I’ve not got an awful lot of time to write an in-depth post tonight, as I’m going out shortly for shooting practice (information on which will most likely form the basis of one of my posts this week), so here are a couple of my favourite jokes.
Pork Pie Man
A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a pork pie.
The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.
About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
The barman gladly serves him, and the man drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on top of this head and walks out with it balanced on his head.
After 5 minutes, a second man walks into the pub and asks the barman for a pint and a pork pie.
The barman replies, "Sorry, we don’t have any pork pies left, will a packet of crisps be OK?". The man says ‘Sure, a packet of crisps will be fine.’
The second man drinks his pint, then takes the crisps out of the packet and starts balancing them on his head.
Unable to contain his confusion any longer, the barman asks "Excuse me, why are you balancing those crisps on your head?"
The man replies "Because there are no pork pies left!"
Orange Head Man
It’s business as usual for the barman (perhaps the one from the previous joke), and one day, he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint – despite having an orange for a head.
The barman is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and out popped a genie! The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish – and, this is the bit where I screwed up a bit – I wished that I had an orange for a head."